Messy relationship drama is a staple in the r/AITAH sub, and one man rattled the internet with his recent conundrum. u/Desperate_General_25 (who we’ll refer to as OP) took to Reddit after revealing that he exposed his wife’s affair, not just to her face but also to her affair partner’s girlfriend. However, there was a twist to the matter.
“I 37(m) have been married to my wife 37(f) for 11 years and together for 16. We have 3 kids together 14(m) 9(m) and 3(f). We own our house together. Our relationship has been a roller coaster to say the least. I’ve been a terrible partner and companion to her for the majority of our relationship. I haven’t cheated on her in more than 5 years, but the times I have in the past, it’s clear now she never healed from the hurt. For the past 6 months, she reconnected with an old guy friend after his brother passed away. Since our relationship had just been on the coast with no connection, she was vulnerable and opened up to this guy.”
“I know the guy from her family and know that he lives far away and has a girlfriend with children of their own. In my hurt, I felt that his girlfriend had to the right know about this affair. I found a way to contact her and told her about it.”
“She broke up with the affair partner and kicked him out. This, in turn, has snowballed into him not speaking to my wife. My wife, who is in love with this guy, is now not speaking to me about it. The truth has come out that the affair guy has just led my wife on and preyed on her vulnerability. He doesn’t love her or want to be with her. She’s heartbroken over it, and blames me for telling her affair partner’s wife. She won’t speak to me now. AITAH for telling the affair partner’s wife?”
Needless to say, Reddit had plenty to say, and it wasn’t entirely favorable toward OP. The consensus was largely that OP was the asshole–not for ratting on the affair partner but for cheating in the first place.
“As a general observation, no question, you are an asshole, because you admit it: cheating, staying, not loving your wife properly (if at all). Your wife is an asshole, for staying with you when she hates your guts, for dosing you with your own medicine… You guys are stunted emotionally. Selfish. She should have dumped you ages ago and regrets staying. You claim to be hurt? I feel like it must be an injury to your ego. You don’t care about your wife. You should have left her before you tried to end things by stepping out on her repeatedly,” one commenter said.
“I’d go easy on the wife, actually. She should have asked for the divorce before having an affair, but it sounds like OP completely destroyed their marriage, and I can understand with this being her first serious relationship, trying to make it work for the kids or whatever, then falling for someone else and realizing she can escape.”
“I mean, you are an asshole. But not for telling the affair partner’s girlfriend. That poor woman is the only innocent party in all of this.”
“Anyone patting themselves on the back for maintaining fidelity for less than 50% of their relationship (with 3 kids in the mix) had it coming. And after all that you’ve made ‘no effort’ in the past years? Cut the cord, man. This marriage is DOA.”
“[You’re the asshole] for not letting your wife go. Your marriage has been dead for some time–your words, she is most likely feeling unloved and neglected, and found comfort. Unfortunately, with another POS but to grill her about someone else, why? Did it really matter that she might have found someone who actually loves her and cares for her? She finally got to feel the love you never gave her, and you still managed to mess that up for her.”
“Funny how he didn’t have the same set of morals when he was cheating on his own wife multiple times. So this woman he has never met deserves to know, but his wife didn’t? This is absolutely all about revenge. OP has no moral high ground here. YTA”
However, others felt like OP wasn’t entirely in the wrong in this particular situation, though they acknowledged that his faults shouldn’t go unnoticed.
“Answering the specific question asked: NTA.”
“Not the asshole for telling the truth to AP’s wife, but you’re the asshole for everything you have done, so are your wife and AP for harming an innocent woman. You all were selfish and did not think about your partners and the children involved. It’s good that you told AP’s girlfriend; she deserved to know. She and all the children involved are the only innocent ones.”
“NTA… but you’re about to loose 1/2 your shit and fork over 30% of your annual net income for the next 15 years. Welcome to the club. And if that doesn’t stop you from cheating on your next wife, nothing will.”
“NTA. Regardless of the state of your relationship, your wife shouldn’t have started an affair with someone in a relationship. If she was truly no longer willing to continue the relationship, she should have had the kids go spend the night at a friend’s or relative’s house, and sat down with you and discussed divorce. You did the right thing by telling the affair partner’s girlfriend, as no one deserves to remain in a false relationship, and you have spared the headache of a divorce and countless years wasted on her now ex.”
“You are NTA for telling the girlfriend. She needed to know about that scum. The boyfriend is the asshole for cheating. Your wife is the asshole for cheating with someone in a relationship. She should know what it feels like to be cheated on. You are the biggest asshole for cheating and breaking your vows first and now acting all surprise that your wife hates you and tried finding someone else. You both are a mess and probably can’t function as a partnership anymore. Hopefully, you will treat your next partner with more respect and not cheat on them.”
Between OP’s past of infidelity, his wife’s affair, and the person she had an affair with, a large chunk of users felt like everyone is to blame for this situation except the affair partner’s girlfriend and the children.
“[Everyone sucks here]. Your wife for cheating. You for cheating and being a ‘terrible partner’–your own words. And the affair partner for cheating. Now, I don’t think you’re bad for telling the affair partner’s girlfriend. She has the right to know that her significant other is a cheating scumbag. I never understand when one partner can cheat, and then act betrayed when their partner cheats on them. You betrayed your marriage vows first.”
“ESH. AP is a horrible human. Your wife was an asshole for participating in an affair. You’re the asshole for somehow feeling entitled to the moral high ground.”
“It sounds like his wife doesn’t want to just get laid, sounds like she wants to be loved and respected. Sounds like she’s not going to get that from either of these duds. Feel for her a bit, but it would be better if she had left before the affair. Everyone sucks here.”
Following the flood of responses, OP shared an update on the situation. Unsurprisingly, he and his “soon-to-be ex-wife” aren’t on speaking terms.
“My soon-to-be ex-wife isn’t heartbroken after learning about AP’s comments to AP’s g/f about my ex. She is in denial and refuses to accept it. AP g/f has dumped him and kicked him out. Idk about the ex and AP’s relationship. I believe they will probably resume their relationship as they both have no other option. She has moved out of my house, and I actually chat and keep in contact with AP’s ex-g/f. She’s a rockstar in all of this and has helped me deal with a lot of the hurt. I wholeheartedly expect ex and AP to be happy cheating on each other. They deserve it.”
Aaand just a few days later, he shared another update in a separate post in the r/AITAH sub. He led the post by acknowledging the amount of pain and distress he had already caused his wife before and after her affair, but explained that he’s been trying to help his ex get over the emotional hurdle of being rejected.
“Marriage is over, wife is in a love triangle. She’s madly in love with AP, but AP broke up with her and went back to his G/F to reconcile. He didn’t end it in what I believe to be [an honest manner], though. AP told ex he really loves her and truly feels how he told her, but he just isn’t over his ex, and that maybe one day, they can be together. This shred of hope she is clinging to for dear life. Because I feel responsible for this whole situation, it hurts me deeply to see her cling to this.”
It’s a weird situation to be in. But I want to know: who do you think is wrong in this situation? Do you think OP should’ve exposed the affair, like many of the commenters on Reddit? Or do you think that he’s ultimately to blame for his infidelity over the course of their relationship? What advice would you have for him? Let us know in the comments section below.