24 Wild DNA Test Stories That Will Leave You SHOCKED

24.

Finally, “Okay, so buckle up. My conception and the beginning of my life was an honest-to-god soap opera. I wouldn’t have believed it if everyone involved hadn’t corroborated the events. My mother’s side of the family is wealthy. Like, ‘mom once sat on the lap of Ronald Reagan at a dinner party when she was a child’ wealthy. And naturally, her family was close to another wealthy family. In this case, my great-grandmother was childhood friends with the matriarch of this second family, and while it TECHNICALLY wasn’t an arranged marriage between my mom and this lady’s grandson, there was a heavy expectation for the two of them to get married when they grew up.”

“Mom and this guy (let’s call him James for the sake of anonymity) grew up close, but when they reached adulthood, they decided they just didn’t see marriage working out for them. That said, it didn’t stop them from hooking up every now and then. Around this time, mom was heavy into the party scene, wanting to ditch her whole high society life, and she kind of went through a ‘rich girl off her leash’ phase. She winds up drinking at her cousin’s wedding and sleeping with a guy there (this would later be a guy I loathingly called my dad for the next 20 years, but he’s an asshole, and we won’t go into too much detail on that. We’ll call him Shane.)

Now, of course, mom doesn’t really settle down just yet; she parties some more, hooks up some more, and wham bam boom, she finds out she’s pregnant with lil’ ol’ me!  My mom gets disowned by her family, and in the meantime, she’s trying to sus out my bio dad. She gets a test for a few guys, and eventually, the only options left are James and Shane. By this point, she can’t afford to do any more tests, so after I am born, she takes a look at my features and determines that James must be my biological father.

By this point, mom and James had stopped fooling around because James is about to get married to someone else. Mom drops this bombshell on him the day before he’s getting married, but also insists that she still doesn’t want the two of them to get hitched; she just wants him to know he’s got a kid out in the world.

She doesn’t ask for child support or anything; figures she’ll do the single mom thing and power through. I did end up meeting James at one point when I was 5, though no one told me he was my ‘bio dad’ per see.

Anyhow, my mom was pretty sure James was my bio dad, but she was never 100% positive and kinda figured she’d never know for sure, and just settled for letting me know about the weirdness of my birth situation when I was old enough to understand.

Fast forward to 2019, and I see Ancestry on sale. While I wasn’t terribly curious about who my biological father was and was much more interested in getting to know my ancestry, I knew in the back of my mind that it was entirely possible I might link to one of these two potential dads. I go ahead and submit, and a few weeks go by, and I finally get the message that my DNA has been processed, and it is time to see my results.

And the bio dad is…Dave? (Again, not his real name.)

So I wind up screenshotting the results, and I immediately message my mom, ‘Who the FUCK is DAVE?’ A friend of mine was so invested in this new dramatic development that he ended up tracking down this guy’s LinkedIn and Facebook profiles, and my god, do I look exactly like this man. In later discussions, my mother would joke that she may as well have not been a part of the equation, I look so much like him. But you may be asking, if such a resemblance, why did my mom not consider him?

Well, at first, my mom starts panicking. Even she asks herself, ‘Who the fuck is Dave?’ And at one point, remarked, ‘Oh god, my mother was right, I’m a w*ore!’ And SHE starts looking him up as well. After digging, she ends up finding out they have a mutual friend through Facebook, and they start messaging back and forth to figure this out when it finally clicks.

First off, the name threw my mom off because apparently, while ‘Dave’ was his first name, he always went by his middle name, ‘Mike.’ They met back in the day and were in the same friend group. They used to go to parties and Ren faire stuff together. Mom was going through some stuff, apparently, and he spotted her at a bus stop one day when he was out delivering a pizza. He offered my mom a ride, and according to him, ‘One thing led to another, and eventually, I had to tell my boss I wouldn’t be able to make it the rest of my shift.’

I meet my bio dad, we connect, he’s absolutely awesome, and he tells me the final little tidbit to this story. After I was born, my dad and mom met up again at his job, and she just so happened to have me in the shopping cart with her. Shane was back in the car, and dad and mom stopped to chat for a second when he started doing the mental math. His eyebrows raised, he pointed at me, gave my mom a look, and my mom (panicked at the idea of another man in the equation, especially now that she was married to Shane) declared, ‘She’s not yours!’ and proceeded to run out of the store, forcefully putting the thought out of her mind for the next 20+ years.

So yeah, that’s me! My dad is super fucking cool and I love him to bits, so…happy ending, at least?”

—silver_thefuck